What an exciting week it was for women and rapists in America! Todd Akin, Republican Senate nominee from Missouri said if a woman is a victim of legitimate rape she can’t get pregnant, implying that there is no need for a rape exception to a ban on abortions. “If it’s a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down,” he proclaimed. Well, there you have it ladies! If you get pregnant from a rape it was not really rape. See, here is how it works: you have these little rape guardians in your vagina and if it is a “legitimate rape” those guardians will rush to cover your cervix which prevents rape sperm from entering your uterus. However, if you do become pregnant it was not a “legitimate rape” and your egg was just asking for it.
Discussions about the upcoming presidential election have often included the question of the candidates’ religion. Thank the Universe we are not fighting about whether President Obama is a secret Muslim. Instead we are talking about Mormons and magic underwear. Our Constitution specifically provides that no religious test shall be required of any candidate for office, yet here we are discussing whose way of talking to their invisible friend is best. This country would benefit from a non-religious President — one who makes rational and reasonable decisions based on fact. I would like to see a President who does not talk to a magic sky fairy or walk around wearing magic man-panties. Charlie Crist, former governor of Florida, has endorsed President Obama. That’s gotta put a twist in Mitt’s magic knickers!
Tropical storm Isaac forced the Republicans to postpone their national convention scheduled to begin Monday. Of course you realize that this storm is not really a natural event but aconspiracy by President Obama to shut down the convention, so says Rush Limbaugh. Know what else President Obama has planned for the Republicans? On election day the President will unleash a shockingly huge coronal mass ejection that will wipe out only Republican communication satellites and cause all the voting machines to register every vote for Mitt Romney as one for President Obama. After he wins the election by CME interference, President Obama will declare the USA a communist country and force Rush Limbaugh to share his Viagra and Oxycontin pills with less fortunate men in America. Everyone will be forced to eat vegetables and drink only organic fruit and veggie smoothies.
America experienced another shocking act of gun violence again last week. This one hit close to home as one of my sons lives and works in New York City where the shooting occurred. Just moments after my son walked past the Empire State Building, a man opened fire on bystanderskilling at least one person. The National Rifle Association will probably be asking for donations to help get guns into the hands of more and more people. Their answer to gun violence is always greater access to guns and more guns in the hands of those “good” Americans who could shoot the bad guys if they just had a gun! If more people had guns then more people could have shot at each other in a frenzy of panic and fear without knowing who started the shooting or who they should be shooting at and then the police could take them all out in a hail of bullets and blood. Ain’t that America where every woman is like Annie Oakley and every man a John Wayne.